Not Your Calling

Marriage is not your ultimate goal; not mine, not yours. Well, except you are the Holy Mary of our generation, whose purpose was to give us Jesus Christ, then no. I recently saw a video of Mrs. Jumoke Adenowo, a philanthropist and an advocate for change and empowerment, expressing her opinions on the traditional marriage views. In something along the lines of her words – “The man is not a prize that needs to be won. Marriage is good, it can serve as a path towards achieving your dreams and aspirations (if you find “the one”- topic for another day) but marriage is not where it all ends. Our traditional views on finding a life partner, especially finding a man, has turned women into competitors among themselves, fighting to win the ultimate prize, which, to them has become a man.”

A lot of people do not understand what I mean when I talk about purpose, finding it, finding oneself, and being oneself completely. I got a lot of responses and questions on my recent post “Are you you?“, the common one was “What do you mean by finding yourself.” As Nichodemus(y) as that question may sound, it can be very complex, and I do not have all the understanding of it myself, but this was my response – Think about it, God created you in HIS image, gave you authority over all things on earth, in heaven and under the earth. Read that again. You were not created in the image and likeness (dictionary meaning – in the like, the fact or quality of being alike; resemblance) of God to be ordinary, you were not created to be a domestic worker – from the bedroom to the kitchen, you were created for more, you should be thirsty for more, you cannot be the average person, you are more. We limit ourselves to the little box we were born in and find it hard to see from the outside, how much we can do. 

The post on “Are you you” was supposed to help readers question everything in their little box. For me, I questioned why I should be the traditional lady that my grandmother wants me to be. Recently, I told my grandmother that I had a friend over and this person was very dear to me. She called me everyday for almost a week asking about this friend, because she had assumed the friend was a male. She was quite disappointed when I told her otherwise; she says it’s time for me to start thinking of settling down, since, according to her, I am now of “marriageable age.” She was even more disappointed when I told her to not even count on it anytime soon. Sorry grandma. I questioned why I had to be calm and collected, why I had to “speak soft”, cross my legs when I sit, have wider hips than shoulders. I questioned if any of the things inside my little box were really for me or for the society. If I spoke a little “ghettoer” will I feel bad or will the society feel bad, if I sat without my legs crossed, (which honestly, is super comfortable) will I feel worse about myself or will the society? If I were just a little darker than this, will I in anyway be less happy, or will the society tell me it’s “not beautiful”? All my answers fell on the society, my little box was created from all bits and pieces of what’s the societal norm.

Another person asked me why I thought marriage and having a family is not a purpose, as it can be for some people. You are misunderstanding this. Marriage can be a goal, it can be a stepping stone, it can be a push towards your aspirations, but our lives does not depend on it. As women, most of us were probably told to “just get that bachelors, marry a good man and be a good wife.” It troubles my heart when I meet older women, who tells me how they wanted to be something but then they got married and all that ambitions went away. A good man will push to towards your ambitions, not draw you away from them. As women, it doesn’t just end with marriage.

The dictionary meaning – “the reason for which something is done or created or for which something exists,” purpose, becomes an aspiration when it is found and pursued. Don’t get me wrong, I do not mean everyone needs to be a celebrity, or a world renowned surgeon. My definition is simply, finding something you are talented at, that does not only serve you, but others, thereby changing lives and returning glory to God, which is the whole purpose of the purpose.

Finding what your purpose is, is not a day journey. The most important step is starting the quest. Dream it, Discover it, Deliver it. It can be a life journey for some; but don’t be afraid to fail, in fact, to achieve the greatest success, you have to embrace the prospect of failure.

“Every tree that doesn’t bear good fruit is cut down and thrown into the fire” – Matthew 7:19

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